I find that I’m getting so exhausted working throughout the day that when the night comes, I don’t have any cognitive abilities left and spend the rest of the time doing mindless activities.
My favorite past time now is watching Catfish while browsing Craigslist for used furniture I never buy.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t sleep more than 9 hours, and I think that’s a sign more than anything else that I’m becoming an adult.
Maturity sucks, but at least I can legally buy the alcohol I avoid reality with.
I just realized that in my graduate program we declare our position in the program by years (“I’m a first-year,” “I’m a second-year,” etc.) and that’s how they did that it in Harry Potter and if I’m not in Hogwarts now then I dunno what is.
No matter how bad some days are, I just have to remind myself that I’m doing excellent things, and that’s all that matters.
Even though my recovery is technically completed and my anxiety holds no significant control over me anymore, there’s still moments that I think of as “flare-ups.” In these moments, I feel the familiar signs of rising anxiety, warning me of an impending attack. But now, when these moments happen, I’m strong enough to fight back, because I know how to be strong.
I do whatever it takes to get me grounded back in reality, whether it requires me removing myself from the situation, backing away from the stress, or disengaging myself until I can settle my mind. And then once I feel content once more, I can continue facing things.
It has been almost two years since my last panic attack. And while I cannot guarantee that that number will continue rising, as grad school (and life in general) is stressful and unpredictable, I can guarantee that if it does happen, I’ll be able to take care of myself.
#1 advice I can give: don’t be a dick.
The mind has its own special way of functioning, processing information at a level that we never acknowledge or recognize. Psychologists, neuroscientists, and biologists have spent years trying to figure the mind out, and yet there are still many mysteries surrounding its functioning. Sometimes the mind knows exactly what’s right and what’s wrong in life, and it’s just a matter of figuring out what it is trying to tell you.
I’m a huge supporter of the idea of doing what feels “right,” going with the gut instinct in making a large decision. Logically, you can know the different options, but there’s something I can’t describe about just feeling a choice is the right one and going with it. And that applies to so much in life, from where to take it to when to know when something is wrong.
Right now, even though I’m happy where I am, something doesn’t feel quite right. I’ve recognized that for a little while now, but I’ve never really given it as much consideration as I could have. But the nagging feeling hasn’t left, and I’m forced to think about the fact that something isn’t quite right here…and I need to find out what it is.
Could I be doing more in my research? Is one of my labs the wrong fit? Am I not working to my fullest extent? Could I be approaching each day differently? There’s something out there that’s misaligned, and I just have to work it out to find out what’s going on.
I can’t change where I’ve been, but I can change where I’m going.